Life is a crazy instance isnt it? One minute your swept off your feet by Somone and promises you only dreamed you had when you were little, that you were so passionate, so persistent on getting. Then next, that little thing call reality that we all forget about comes hitting you in the face. Making you realize everything. How do you know when enough is enough? When your heart was broken? When your hurtingndeep inside. Doing something that someone tell you to do only for it to blow up in front you….its confusing, and leaves you with heartache. When your on a different emotional scale than the other person how do you balance that out? Or what about all this time you only stayed so positive about a certain search that you dedicate so, so much time to only to find out your pillar thought other wise this entire time? A big fat sincere your not goingntp find what your looking for here. Im a 100% sure. (In other words of course) you fall down. You begin to ask yourself, why am I spending all this time looking? Why have I dedicated all this stress daily to finding something? And why havent you ever really said this before and talk about a plan with me. Most of all whybdidbyou keep telling me I’d find something? Its a game. It feels like it. When somone is so brutally honest with you another and goes to them for everything amd tells them everything wouldn’t somone appriciated that and doesnt that person deserve that in return? Don’t I deserve that? How many ppl go to other ppl to talk about relationship issues or other personal things but dont do that with their spouse? Let alone females going to guus to seek advice km mowing that most guus out there love to hear that? Or friends that think they know itn all, but have no idea about anything at all? Misguided advice. I never. I don’t. There’s always one person in my eyes and how will I ever get to the root of im like thst anyways? This is all so very confusing. Somethingn you see the old person somone once was come back out of the anger. Thats an additional factor that scares you too. Having somone disregard your feeling and emotions, try I to get them to understand only to hear its arrogant bullshit and your left to yoyr self, your tears and your broken heart. Wondering what you really did wrong by nist trying to do what do what told and by just expressing your emotions. Another factor is never hearing what you need to hear. Its like the anger engulfs everything like a flame and you just want that person to tell spill their intentions and love to you. That undying love. ” I love you”
I would have never thought it be like this and when you have outside forces that you know youbsay compete with what are you to do? Drop out the race? Stay in it and hope for the best? I feel like im eventually going to become second place. Im goong up against something thats just to demanding. Its doesnt care about a life, it doesnt care about family. Its just going to demand more and more until, what am I going to be left with? I just want a normal life with a normal person. The demands exhaust me. After hearing the certainty and forceful demeanor in the statement ” because thats not going happen” tells me another instance that you never really believed to do when was once said, I told him ” I want out of that ever happened” deployment, something that was promised from the very start. Something that was known to be a keeper for me and was sealed with tears, a kiss and a promise. But I knew right there, that wasn’t a promise any longer.
Im scarred, battered and bruised. And most of all the choice to be made wasn’t easy. In fact its killing me. Its all killing me. But a choice has to be made. And I made it. I be nothing, have nothing anymore, maybe never have anything again at risk I took that I will never again do for another. At least ill have a home and unconditional love. Real love. Love that listens, love that is supportive, love thats reassuring, holds me, comforts me, rubs me. Love that can’t ever be replaced. I may not know what will happen to me and my future but at least ill have love.
"This is the last time im left to bed with tears rolling down my cheeks."